Falling, falling, falling….help!
I have felt like I am falling down a downwards spiral. I can’t get out. I try but there is no willpower left. The stress (I suppose? I don’t know what else to call it?) has overcome me. So much so, I don’t even know why or what the stress is for. School? I started 3 weeks ago…why am I already feeling behind? I can’t stay on top of things. I don’t get enough sleep. I barely get any exercise. I’m too tired too…I don’t have time. I was doing so well with my elimination diet…I was slowly adding in things one at a time. Then all of a sudden…or maybe it just gradually crept upon me, I started overeating…first, moderately. Just to the point where I thought that I just must have took a little too much (“My eye’s are bigger than my stomach.”) Then, gradually, but rapidly, I started just binging. Gorging myself on food. Healthy food to start. And when I needed a sweet treat? I’d just eat a ton…just gorge myself…full of applesauce or bananas or some other fruit that I’m allowed right now…but then I still wouldn’t feel satisfied. So I’d try some gum…Extra Just Dessert’s Version…or any kind. That wouldn’t last long. Soon I’d be back in the food again. I’d feel guilty for overeating it so I’d try and eat something more healthy…cooked carrots for example. And then I’d find myself gorging the entire container. I’d feel stuffed and confused and upset. More gum but that wouldn’t stop there.. there would be more food as soon as there was a tiny bit of room, more food. Then Saturday night, we planned on surprising my roommate with treats. I volunteered to make the cookies. No problem I thought. This will be fun. I haven’t gotten to cook or bake much since I started the diet. I was fine at home this summer when I made cookies with my brother. I just enjoyed making them with him, and not eating them. Well, this time I couldn’t do it. I ate the batter. I ate the cookies. I didn’t just have a taste of either… I ate so much I felt physically sick. Never mind that this amount would make a “normal” person feel sick, but for me, one who doesn’t eat sugar, or gluten, or dairy, or such unhealthy things like margarine, I felt terrible. But I couldn’t stop. Even when I started to feel sick. Finally, I stopped. I felt sick the next day. I thought that would cure me. Nope…while I didn’t indulge in any other forbidden, I still overate and mindlessly ate. I felt like I wasn’t enjoying my food, I was stuffing it in my face. I tried to satisfy my cravings and justify my overeating, by the fatigue I was feeling. I needed the extra fuel I thought. It just got worse and worse. I couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop eating. I soon was eating because it was comforting…because somehow it must make me better. Lately, I have been dealing with lots of constipation…even taking a new natural product called Natural Calm, I still was, and still am experiencing severe constipation. I reasoned, hmm…maybe brown rice will help. So I wasn’t hungry….but I stuffed my face with the warm comforting, freshly made batch of brown rice. Even these healthy foods are becoming my enemy. Thinking I’d be totally fine now, since I was full, really full, I told my roommate it’d be fine to start frosting the cupcakes I made for our other room mate for tomorrow since it’s her birthday. I couldn’t resist. I tasted my mom’s frosting…the frosting I haven’t had in years. I kept trying it. So sweet…so good. Then I had one cupcake….One cupcake won’t hurt I said. And another…More frosting. Starting to feel really sick. Brown rice will make me better. Down some rice went. Not satisfied. More frosting. Still need more. I started gorging on the leftover cookie dough from Saturday night. Then I made a bunch of cookies from it. I ate almost all of them. I could feel myself getting sicker (and fatter) by the minute. Faster and faster down they went. I couldn’t even sit down. I wanted milk with them. I didn’t have any. Finally, so disgusted with myself, I started talking to a room mate and was able to throw the last cookie or two away. But, meanwhile, my stomach (which was already upset pre-cookies and pre-cake—guess, I figured, it’s already a mess—can’t get too much worse!) was complaining even more. My room mate complained because of the embarrassing smells that my body was frequently emitting. I am embarrassed. Can’t sleep. So exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I’ve had problems with binging before, but I thought I was through. I thought I could just eat healthy and find out what bothers me and stay on this healthy way of life. I’d even begun to exercise more frequently…but now? I feel awful. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop myself? Why do I let myself eat the foods that I know are “poison” to my body? Why can’t I enjoy my food mindfully, even when it’s healthy? Why can’t I eat normal? Why do I feel so strange? I don’t feel like myself. I feel like someone else has taken over my body. Not only is this going on, but I feel a lack of motivation for a lot of things. I don’t want to go to class….I feel behind. I miss class due to exhaustion and not feeling well. I push through the exhaustion and go to class and stay up to do homework and clean the apartment etc just to have the cycle repeat again. Help. What is wrong with me’? Why can’t I just be me again?