Falling, falling, falling….help!

I have felt like I am falling down a downwards spiral. I can’t get out. I try but there is no willpower left. The stress  (I suppose? I don’t know what else to call it?)  has overcome me. So much so, I don’t even know why or what the stress is for. School? I started 3 weeks ago…why am I already feeling behind? I can’t stay on top of things. I don’t get enough sleep. I barely get any exercise. I’m too tired too…I don’t have time. I was doing so well with my elimination diet…I was slowly adding in things one at a time. Then all of a sudden…or maybe it just gradually crept upon me, I started overeating…first, moderately.  Just to the point where I thought that I just must have took a little too much (“My eye’s are bigger than my stomach.”) Then, gradually, but rapidly, I started just binging. Gorging myself on food. Healthy food to start. And when I needed a sweet treat? I’d just eat a ton…just gorge myself…full of applesauce or bananas or some other fruit that I’m allowed right now…but then I still wouldn’t feel satisfied. So I’d try some gum…Extra Just Dessert’s Version…or any kind. That wouldn’t last long. Soon I’d be back in the food again. I’d feel guilty for overeating it so I’d try and eat something more healthy…cooked carrots for example. And then I’d find myself gorging the entire container. I’d feel stuffed and confused and upset. More gum but that wouldn’t stop there.. there would be more food as soon as there was a tiny bit of room, more food.  Then  Saturday night, we planned on surprising my roommate with treats. I volunteered to make the cookies. No problem I thought. This will be fun. I haven’t gotten to cook or bake much since I started the diet. I was fine at home this summer when I made cookies with my brother. I just enjoyed making them with him, and not eating them. Well, this time I couldn’t do it. I ate the batter. I ate the cookies. I didn’t just have a taste of either… I ate so much I felt physically sick. Never mind that this amount would make a “normal” person feel sick, but for me, one who doesn’t eat sugar, or gluten, or dairy, or such unhealthy things like margarine, I felt terrible. But I couldn’t stop. Even when I started to feel sick. Finally, I stopped. I felt sick the next day. I thought that would cure me. Nope…while I didn’t indulge in any other forbidden, I still overate and mindlessly ate. I felt like I wasn’t enjoying my food, I was stuffing it in my face.  I tried to satisfy my cravings  and justify my overeating, by the fatigue I was feeling. I needed the extra fuel I thought. It just got worse and worse. I couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop eating. I soon was eating because it was comforting…because somehow it must make me better. Lately, I have been dealing with lots of constipation…even taking a new natural product called Natural Calm, I still was, and still am experiencing severe constipation. I reasoned, hmm…maybe brown rice will help. So I wasn’t hungry….but I stuffed my face with the warm comforting, freshly made batch of brown rice. Even these healthy foods are becoming my enemy. Thinking I’d be totally fine now, since I was full, really full, I told my roommate it’d be fine to start frosting the cupcakes I made for our other room mate for tomorrow since it’s her birthday.  I couldn’t resist. I tasted my mom’s frosting…the frosting I haven’t had in years. I kept trying it. So sweet…so good. Then I had one cupcake….One cupcake won’t hurt I said. And another…More frosting. Starting to feel really sick. Brown rice will make me better. Down some rice went. Not satisfied. More frosting. Still need more. I started gorging on the leftover cookie dough from Saturday night. Then I made a bunch of cookies from it. I ate almost all of them. I could feel myself getting sicker (and fatter) by the minute. Faster and faster down they went. I couldn’t even sit down. I wanted milk with them. I didn’t have any. Finally, so disgusted with myself, I started talking to a room mate and was able to throw the last cookie or two away. But, meanwhile, my stomach (which was already upset pre-cookies and pre-cake—guess, I figured, it’s already a mess—can’t get too much worse!) was complaining even more. My room mate complained because of the embarrassing smells that my body was frequently emitting. I am embarrassed. Can’t sleep. So exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I’ve had problems with binging before, but I thought I was through. I thought I could just eat healthy and find out what bothers me and stay on this healthy way of life. I’d even begun to exercise more frequently…but now? I feel awful. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop myself? Why do I let myself eat the foods that I know are “poison” to my body? Why can’t I enjoy my food mindfully, even when it’s healthy? Why can’t I eat normal? Why do I feel so strange? I don’t feel like myself. I feel like someone else has taken over my body.  Not only is this going on, but I feel a lack of motivation for a lot of things. I don’t want to go to class….I feel behind. I miss class due to exhaustion and not feeling well. I push through the exhaustion and go to class and stay up to do homework and clean the apartment etc just to have the cycle repeat again. Help. What is wrong with me’? Why can’t I just be me again?

Advertisements

10 Comments

  1. Emily

    I think you need to go talk to someone. I am sure you could see a counselor on campus for free or a small cost. It would do you good to talk to a professional on this one and get some help. I will keep you in my prayers.

  2. KatieC

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been there (in almost the exact same spot), and am in a somewhat modified version of it right now. I’m trying. So hard, I’m trying. And I know you are, too. I agree with Emily’s comment: do what I haven’t ever done and talk to somebody to figure out how to get truly through this successfully. And then let me know the secret. 😉

  3. Carol

    Emily is right. Talk to someone, a professional counselor. This sounds like emotional eating-eating to stuff feelings away, or eating so much you feel sick so you want to purge those feelings. I do this sometimes, too. You are in my thoughts and prayers. ❤

  4. Ari–While the tendency is to think that this is a psychological issue, it probably is not. Something is very out of whack in your body. It could be vitamin/mineral deficiencies that are making you crave food and never feel satisfied. Find a naturopathic physician nearby and go as soon as you can. Do not beat yourself up over this. Before I went gluten free, I would eat like this and never feel satisfied because my body was indeed starving for vitamins and minerals as it wasn’t absorbing them. It didn’t matter that I was oveweight and appeared to not need any more food. There was so much more going on. Find that naturopathic physician and get some much needed answers. I know you’ve tried elimination diets, detox plans, etc., but sometimes we need the guidance of someone more objective and knowledgeable on the human body, food intolerances, vitamin/mineral deficiencies, etc.

    Many hugs … keep us posted!
    Shirley

  5. mommybowl

    Ari, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. I agree with both Shirley and Emily. I think consulting with both a naturopath and a mental health professional would help you. A naturopath will help you figure out what foods are going to work for you, and a mental health professional will help you figure out how to cope with all your eating restrictions. It’s not an easy thing to adjust to and clearly you’re struggling.

    Know that you’re in the thoughts of many. Hang in there.

  6. Alisa

    I used to be the same way. My binges would be on fast food and boxes of cookies, Little Debbie snacks, Ben & Jerry’s, chips and onion dip, etc. It was as if my mission would be to eat all the junk I could! And of course I never felt satisfied because this was emotional eating caused by stress, anxiety and depression. I hated that food ruled my world so I ate everything I wasn’t supposed to eat! I have Crohn’s disease and about a year ago I decided enough was enough and I got strict. I know for me PERSONALLY it was mind over matter. Now I do not eat wheat/gluten, dairy or anything processed or made with sugar. I take supplements/vitamins (feel free to contact me if you would like to know) and I feel AMAZING now that I have control and food does not have control over me anymore.

  7. connie

    Ive been where you have as far as the eating part and the binging for stress..you have a plate full, number one blogging about it really helps beecause it gets out of your system, but you have to get back on track, since giving up sugar 3 months ago, i know when i do a cupcake binge, im sick for two days, i never realized how bad it was for me until i gave it up then have those days when i cant resist..come on you can do this, get back on the wagon, its about 3 days of hell, but just put in your head its to feel better..and you have to get out and atleast walk, it you do it first thing in the morning you will start your day off feeling better. when i was going thru a divorce, i thought the worse possible most stressful thing in my life, i started walking out the stress, i did it no matter how tired, busy or what ever, i at times would walk at 4am just because i knew if i didnt i didnt have that time to really look at my day, my stresses and plan and problem solve..hang in there. you really have to pick yourself up and do this, it will also help the constipation..get moving, and stop using sugar as your stress reliever. hang in there, keep us update..if you have to blog to be accountable then do it, please keep us posted on how you are doing…now get off this computer and get your butt out there for a walk….

    • Thanks Connie for visiting and for your comment. I have been working hard myself to get better. I haven’t binged or ate anything with gluten, dairy, or sugar since then. I’m exercising every day and that is helping a lot. I’ll keep you all updated! 🙂 -Ari

  8. Bern

    Hi Ari,

    I really feel for you and this thought blur sounds exactly like my thoughts when I suffered from binge eating disorder. I think I’ve suggested it to you before but your symptoms sound a lot like that of fructose malabsorbtion, or FODMAP intolerance.

    Some people aren’t able to properly digest one or more types of fermentable sugars, and they cause IBS type symptoms for those individuals. That is- tummy aches, distended abdo, diarrhea for some, constipation for others. Interestingly, these unabsorbed carbohydrates also stop the absorption of tryptophan, an amino acid which is needed to make seratonin, which can lead to depression and anxiety and sleeping problems. Before I started eating low FODMAP I had problems with binging, lack of energy and sleeping probs. After a while of sticking to the diet I’m feeling a lot better and only have problems when I eat too many of the wrong foods.

    Here is a website that briefly explains the low FODMAP diet http://shepherdworks.com.au/disease-information/low-fodmap-diet
    but if you want more information please email me and I am happy to help. Before I changed my diet I had tried everything to feel healthy (was already eating gluten and dairy free but also tried raw vegan at one stage!) but now I feel better than I have in ages.

    I hope you are feeling better soon XX

Trackbacks

  1. Personal Health Update…Sadly, It’s Not Better.. | The Frugally Rich Life

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: